TORTURE POLL


you’re walking down the street one day minding your own business and suddenly this thing pulls up next to you;

a bunch of guys in ski masks with machine guns jump out, grab you then throw you in the back of the van and take off.  they put a burlap sack over your head and take you to their secret headquarters where they walk you to an interrogation room.

they sit you down in a folding chair and pull the sack off your head.  as your eyes adjust to the dim light of the room you see a table in front of you and someone sitting in the corner of the room.  there’s a discman on the middle of the table, a styrofoam to-go container next to it, a TV on a stand against the wall and two people sitting on a bench in the corner.  it turns out that your kidnappers have confused you for someone important with vital information that they want but no explaining will get you out of this one.  luckily for you the masked men aren’t complete savages and they’re giving you a choice when it comes to what type of torture they’re going to put you through while trying to extract whatever it is they’re looking for from you.  your options are as follows;

LISTEN TO STEVE BERRA EXPLAIN HOW BERRICS UNIFIED IS GOING TO SAVE SKATE SHOPS THEN TALK ABOUT GREAT IT IS BEING A SCIENTOLOGIST

Berra will sit down at the table with you and explain how he will help save your local skateshop by making them pay him a bunch of money to be listed on his website.  PRO TIP: Try to fight the urge to point out that he only started caring about independently owned shops around the same time that him and Koston left Active and started selling uninspired Berrics “collabs” out the back of their warehouse pro playground.  If you’re lucky he might give you some tips on how to maximize your brand’s profitability by selling shitty “slightly stained” pop culture reference t-shirts for the low low price of $22 USD plus shipping;

or by having other amazing bargains like a $25 single color print white T that looks like it was designed by a bored sixth grader who was messing around with clip art in MS Word during fourth period typing class;

After Berra is done championing himself as the savior of the skate industry he will lecture you on the tenants of his Scientologist faith such as requiring costly payments to advance your standing in the church*, sending death threats to critics of your Church’s practices, and really terrible science fiction.

*now that I think about it there are some similarities to the Berrics Unified.  weird..

WATCH EVERY KNIFE SHOW EDIT IN A ROW FOREVER

the goons compiled a playlist of every single knife show edit ever made (minus the magic flashlights one because that’s actually entertaining) and you have to watch all of them back to back and every time the playlist ends the kidnappers take it from the top.  you have to watch every single swivel, every single effect, every single appearance of their rat dogs and more mountain high footage than even mountain high locals would ever want to see.

LISTEN TO JEREME ROGERS’ MIXTAPE ON REPEAT

just imagine 50 tracks of this back to back for 24 hours straight

woof.

CATCH A GOLDEN SHOWER FROM GABBY

the other person steps out from the darkness and it’s gabby.  she’s gonna pee all over you and she’s been drinking coffee and eating asparagus all day.  and she’s got a yeast infection.  it’s gonna get in your hair and possibly mouth.  if you’re a chick then just replace gabby with her alter-ego who digs at windells as pictured above, same scenario.

TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT

the nuclear option: grab the kidnapper’s gun and blow your brains out.

choose wisely.

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4 Responses to “TORTURE POLL”

  1. steve berra really is a scientologist?
    or did i fall for your bullshit

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